Bittersweet Memories
by crazykitsune17
Summary: Valenwind, two-part fic. Vincent POV. Language warning, otherwise it's good old-fashioned angst and fluff. Vincent reminisces about misery, Cid, and the future. COMPLETE.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: First fanfic of the now-ending summer! Enjoy my attempt at Valenwind and please find it somewhere in your heart to review.

A/N2: Have you guys checked out this Reader Traffic thingy? It is way cool. My self-esteem has skyrocketed with all the hits I've gotten just this month! Thanks, guys!

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**Bittersweet Memories**

Part One

By crazykitsune17

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I remember the day Shinra No. 26 failed to destroy Meteor. I had a feeling in my heart that it wouldn't work, but everyone just attributed my lack of enthusiasm to my usual pessimistic demeanor. I was more disappointed that Cid didn't really get to pilot his spaceship than the fact that the world was ending sooner than we thought. At the time, I still would have welcomed death with open arms; the destruction of the planet didn't mean as much to me as it does now.

Anyway, we arrived back on the planet in a dismal state. I'll never forget the hopeless looks on everyone's faces as they looked toward the sky as it spelled imminent doom for all of us. I'll also never forget that tiny shiver of fear I felt shoot down my spine for the first time in a long while. My hand twitched and I searched frantically for a hand to hold – an impulse I once thought to be absurd. Who would want to touch the hand of a monster? My eyes had lingered on Cid, but I thought better of it and kept to myself.

That evening, none of the members of Avalanche talked much. Of course, I was no exception. I remember sitting in the tent I shared with the pilot, I was just staring at my shoes, not thinking about anything, but still feeling odd from that twinge of fear and frantic impulse. Then Cid came in, a rush of smoky stench following close behind. He crushed the burned-out cigarette he had just finished and sat down next to me.

"Some motherfuckin' day, huh?" he grumbled, more sorrowful than angry. Looking back, I wished I would have said something, but I stayed silent, not taking my eyes off my shoes. I feel bad for being so cold to Cid – and everybody for that matter, but mostly Cid – but I just couldn't find it in my hollow heart to voice my feelings.

"Goddammit," said Cid. He looked at me. "Ain't you scared?"

With a sick feeling in my stomach, I remembered my fear from earlier and swallowed hard. I didn't say anything, but my face must have said something because I felt Cid relax beside me, and he didn't say another word.

Truth was, I was scared. Not deathly frightened, but worried enough about what was to become of all of us if we didn't succeed in destroying Meteor and Sephiroth. There was a time when I would have welcomed death, but now was not that time. I still believed that I was still on the planet as punishment and that my sorry excuse for a life was destined to be nothing but misery, and yet I still feared death – or whatever was to happen to us had we failed our objective.

I was more worried about Cid than myself. Just as I once worried about Lucrecia and felt sorrow for her miserable fate, I worried about our Highwind pilot. My life may have meant nothing for the planet, but his… he had dreams. He had a home to go back to, things he so badly wanted to do. It wouldn't be fair for his life and his dreams to just be cut short all because of Sephiroth and this horrible mess we were thrown into. So I worried for Cid. I was scared for Cid. Did he know that? I don't know. I don't want him to know how much I worried for him, how many hours I had spent awake that night and the ones that followed cursing his fate – and mine – and the injustices we had both suffered due to the hands of the Shinra.

That night, I didn't sleep at all. All I could feel was fear. Fear and my inability to control it. If I could feel proud of anything in my life, it was my ability to mask my emotions. I remember feeling very glad that it was nighttime and that the tent was dark and Cid could not see my face.

Now, however, I would give anything to have Cid see my face, no matter what I looked like, and see how I really feel. He was always good at that – reading people. He kept his distance from me during our journey, yet at the same time, we managed to get quite close. I wish we could be that close again. Sharing the same quarters, the same emotions, possibly the same feelings for each other. Though it felt like Cid and I had a sort of connection, it always felt that there was something missing. Maybe it was me. A truer, cleaner, me. Was that all that Cid needed? I admit I was never the most expressive person; I much prefer locking myself and my thoughts inside, but when it becomes too much for me to bear…

I wish I could see him again. Maybe this time I would tell him how scared I was, how angry I was, and how sad I was. Maybe I would tell him that I admired him, wished I could share his vibrancy and zest for life.

I practice what I would say to him sometimes. It's difficult to voice my opinions, even when no one's listening, and I stumble a lot on my words. They sound beautiful in my head, and I feel full of emotion when I picture him in my mind, but I never get the point across. I say angry things about my past and hurt myself with my own words. It's hard to be happy.

"Sometimes I think… I can only be… happy with… you."

A rush of relief washes over me as I finally voice these words out loud. Then I sigh and a palpable cloud of sorrow enshrines me as I realize I am only talking to a tree.

"What is the use? I will never see him again. It's… better that way. I don't… I don't deserve him. Maybe I should just… go back to sleep…" I stare at my golden arm and remember just exactly why I should just stay quiet. I clench my fist. No! Enough of this! At least find out if… if Cid is happy now.

Because even now I find myself worrying about him. I feel sick if I think that he is as miserable as I am – a fate I would never wish upon anyone that I care about. But it is late now, and I have nothing to satisfy myself with but bittersweet memories.

I lay down to sleep, and I pray. "Cid Highwind… I hope you are safe… and happy. Good night, pilot."

I don't fall asleep for hours, and finally, when the sky is almost dawn, my exhaustion and melancholy catch up with me and my eyes close.

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- crazykitsune17


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Thanks for waiting! I've been busy with band camp, so thanks again for stickin' with me. Here is part two.

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**Bittersweet Memories**

Part Two

By crazykitsune17

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I wake up just as exhausted as I had been when I first fell asleep, but it has always been difficult for me to sleep when the sun is up, so I push myself off of my futon and rub the sleep from my eyes.

Lonely thoughts still linger in my fuzzy brain and I sigh. I run my clawed fingers through my hair to smooth out the mess and tangles and tie it at the base of my neck with my other hand. Heaving another sigh, I go into my tiny bathroom and splash some water on my face. I bring my head up, chin and eyelashes dripping and squint, trying to see through my wet bangs and cloudy eyes. I shake the bangs from my eyes and dry my hands and face, just about ready for another day of… what, exactly? Who knows. There's always some tiny village nearby that needs protecting.

Stretching as I walk out of the bathroom and cracking my wrists and knuckles and toes, readying myself for the day, I hear a loud whirring sound. I shrug it off. I have moderately important decisions to make, like whether or not I should eat something before I take my usual morning walk. I don't really feel much like eating. Now where did I put my cloak…?

That whirring sound is getting louder. What _is_ that? I cover my ears and dash outside, cloakless, the wind whipping my tied-up hair over my shoulder and across my face. I glance up at the sky in time to see something on fire and to have my reflexes kick in and run out of the way before it crashes almost right next to my sorry excuse for a house.

"Woah!" I shout, ducking and tumbling out of the way and somehow managing to dodge the flaming bits of scrap metal bouncing toward me. Recovering from my initial shock, I quickly head over to the burning airship that moved in next door.

Coughing on the smoke, I hear a loud voice curse violently. "Shit! Goddammit shit!"

That sounds familiar… I swallow a returning twinge of fear and apprehension, I lift broken plane bits away from the voice with my clawed hand, ignoring the intense heat licking at the rest of my human body. I cough again, but my efforts are not in vain.

"Who is that? What the hell are you doin'?" A hand pokes up from the wreckage and I grab it. "Yow! It's hot!" the voice shouts.

"Hurry!" I pull and quickly grab the rest of the voice's owner and carry him away from the flaming twisted metal.

"Let go of me! I'm not a goddamn kid!" The man in my arms bats viciously at me and I put him down, a tiny hint of a smile crossing my face. He staggers backwards, brushes at the smoking sleeve of his jacket and looks up. "What the hell—" He stops short.

"…Hey. Don't I know you from somewhere?"

My half-smile falters. Did he forget…?

A huge grin breaks out across his face. "Vincent Valentine! How have you been? What the hell are you doing here?" He grabs my right hand and shakes it, giving me a hard thump on the back.

"I… I should ask you the same thing, Cid Highwind," I say, nodding over at the burning airship that had crash-landed only seconds ago.

"Oh…" Cid looks at his ship as well. "That piece of junk? I swear, no matter how many times I try to fix it, it always ends up breaking down again and… Geez, man, if it hadn't been for you, I woulda been a goner! I think that's the last time the Valentine is gonna fly…" As soon as he finished that sentence, another piece of the airplane exploded in a puff of smoke and a brand new burst of flames.

_The Valentine…?_ I shook the thought ought of my head and brought back the smile to my face. "Are you all right?" I ask. "That was… quite a crash landing."

"Yeah, yeah," says Cid, brushing soot of his pants and jacket. He glances upward and looks me in the eye. I swallow hard again. "Thanks for saving me back there. I mean that. And I'm sorry I yelled at you."

My cheeks flush red and I wish I had my cloak so I could hide it. "It's all right…" I say awkwardly. The two of us stand in silence for a moment. I break our gaze and put out the fire with materia magic, then invite him into my home.

"Yeah, okay…" says Cid.

The two of us squeeze into my main room – where I keep my futon, my stove, and my gun – and Cid falls on top of my futon, exclaiming, "Sheesh, what is this, a mouse house? This place is tiny, Vincent!"

"Sorry," I say. "I don't need much. It's home to me." I didn't mention that my makeshift house never felt much like a home at all. But oddly enough, it almost did with Cid there, lying on my futon. It almost felt back like when we fought Sephiroth with Cloud and the others, the two of us sharing cramped quarters, Cid complaining and me complying, quiet as usual. Only this time, I vowed, I won't be so quiet…

"Would you…" I don't finish my sentence. I sit down next to him, his head resting very close to my thighs. Cid didn't seem to mind how close we were. I look down at my clawed hand and sigh. Reaching into his jacket pocket, Cid pulls out a lighter and a cigarette and lights it up. We don't talk for a while.

"Just like old times, huh?"

"Hmm?" I smile. "Yeah…"

Cid sits up. "I've missed you, you know."

I turn and face Cid, glad that he can finally see my whole face, not covering up any emotions. I give him a smile. I guess to some people a smile says more than words could ever say. I suppose I am no exception, so I figure I will give smiling a shot with Cid.

He takes the cigarette out of his mouth and looks at me with confusion. "Wha? Is that a smile on your face, Vincent?" He grins back, looking at me with a mischievous look in his eye. "Was it something I said?"

Not really wanting to answer that question, I ask one of my own. "Are you happy, Cid?"

"Huh? Whaddya mean 'am I happy'? What kind of question is that?"

"It means what it sounds like. Will you please answer my question?"

"Demanding now aren't we! First you're smiling, now you're acting like a damned interrogator! You've changed, Vincent!" Cid huffs and looks away.

"You are not answering my question."

"Fine." Cid turns back toward me. "To answer your question, no I'm not happy. My plane just blew up, I've been living at home with all the other idiots in Rocket Town for the past few months, and you haven't been around for me to share ridiculously cramped quarters with!"

I freeze for a moment, not really sure what to make of this confession. "What—"

He cuts me off. "But I'm a little happier now. I finally found you."

Again, words fail me.

"You wanna know something?" Cid doesn't wait for me to answer. "I built the Valentine so I could go and look for you. I guess I should've had Shera check my work, but I was kind of in a hurry, trying to get it done quickly so I could fly it and find you again. At least… at least the Valentine was able to complete its duty before it fell apart for good this time… By the way, sorry about almost crashing into your house."

My claw arm flexes and I feel numb. "It's no problem…" I start to say, but once again I am interrupted.

"Hey. Would you mind if I stayed here for a while?"

"What? But I thought… isn't my house too small?"

"Nowhere near as small as Cloud's ugly tents!" Cid chuckles. "I uh… kind of need a place to stay."

"That would be fine."

Cid wriggles around on my futon. "Great. Hey, what the hell's wrong with your futon, it feels like something is digging into my ass…" He pulls out something red. So that's where I left my cloak. "Hey," he says. "It's your cape. Now that I think about it, you're not wearing this ratty old thing. I thought you looked different…"

"Thanks for finding it," I say, taking it from him and tossing it across the room. "But I don't need it right now. I don't want to be hidden from you anymore." _Maybe this time around, you can see me for who I really am – not only on the inside, but on the outside too, perhaps…_

"… Oh." Suddenly Cid bursts out laughing. I give him a questioning look, and once he's calmed down, he replies, "You wanna know something stupid? For the longest time, I thought that if you took off that coat, maybe you'd shrivel up or melt or something. Guess I was wrong, huh?"

I couldn't help but laugh. "You're right. That is stupid. As you can see, I'm just fine without it."

"You!" Cid cries. "You're a funny one, you know that? You don't joke around much, but you got your own way of bein' hysterical, d'you know that?"

"No," I answer truthfully. I never thought of myself as being "funny" before, besides "funny" in the terms of "peculiar" and "suspicious". "I don't understand you, Cid."

"I dunno." Cid scratches behind his head and lights up another cigarette. "I guess just seein' you again makes me feel all giddy inside. I dunno why, but you make me happy, Vince."

Finally, I do something I should have done a long time ago, back when the Shinra No. 26 failed its mission. I finally grab that hand I wanted to hold for the longest time. Only this time, it wasn't out of fear that I held it, but out of love… or something close to it. "I am glad that I can… make you happy…" I tell Cid, looking him straight in the eye. "I am happy too, now that we're together again."

Cid doesn't pull his hand away from mine; instead, he scoots closer and we are so close that we could kiss, but we don't. I don't think that either of us are ready for anything like that yet, although my stomach churns with butterflies at the thought. I rest my head on his shoulder and breathe in the scent of burnt clothing and Cid's gentle musk. It feels like how a home should feel. It feels almost as comforting as Lucrecia once did…

"Hey," whispers Cid. "How long have you been wanting to do this?"

"I don't know," I answer truthfully again. "It doesn't matter, and I've learned that patience is a virtue. Maybe…"

"Good things come to those who wait." Cid finishes my sentence. "Yeah, yeah, I get that…"

We sit in silence for a while, only the next time that it is broken, I am the one to break it.

"Hey," I say in a very Cid-like manner. "I'm sorry that I have been cold to you in the past. I've… done a lot of thinking since we parted. And I want to try to… be closer to you this time around. Do you think you can help me?"

"Wow, wow! You really have changed, Vincent! Today is a day of firsts for you!" Cid exclaims, breaking our embrace to cross his arms triumphantly in celebration. "You delivered a moving speech and you asked for help! That's so unlike you, but… I'm really proud of you, Vincent. And yeah, of course I'll help you." He gives me a hug. "Is this close enough, buddy?"

I can feel my face flush red, and my muscles tighten as a reflex. I have to remind myself that this is Cid who is touching me so closely and not an enemy, not painful or bittersweet memory constricting my breathing, but Cid Highwind. I smile again, but I don't answer. The speech from earlier exhausted me. It will take some time to begin to let all of my words and feelings flow more freely.

Fortunately, the memories I will have now will no longer be just memories locked away in a storage cabinet in my mind, but tangible, true, motion-picture memories that will last a lifetime. No longer bitter nightmares but soft and sweet lucid dreams.

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-crazykitsune17


End file.
